Breathe In. Breathe Out.

So apparently since the holidays started, I have nothing to do but blog about my lame life. Hooray! As 2010 comes to an end, I guess it's time to reflect on what kind of year this was and set goals for what I want accomplished in 2011.

2010 was pretty tame. But then again, my life is pretty tame. I stressed out about my last semester of university. Pretty certain that I was going to fail LAW534: Law of Business and Government Regulations. As the semester was coming to an end, I freaked out about what to do with the rest of my life. I also turned 22 this year and it's been just ok so far. I realized I wasn't going to move out this year (Sorry Jenicka!). I finally graduated from Ryerson and now hold a Bachelors of Commerce. I embarked months of confusion of what to do with my life. Didn't apply to any real jobs. But got a little promotion at my part-time non-real job! Woo! Then a couple health scares happened to a certain person who starts with a 'J' and ends in an 'icka'. No more health scares! Then I saw my first ballet courtesy of Veronica! And Christmas 2010 was awesome. Yep, that sums up 2010.

So for 2011, I am going back to school 100%. Most likely in the summer. I am determined to travel abroad to the UK. And to do all these things, I need to open a savings account. I want to start really saving to move out of my house. I guess in past years, I've never said what things I wanted to do in that year. It's always been "exercise more" etc... which is good, but harder to keep track of. But the previous post does apply still =P.

Cheers to the New Year!

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a goodnight! HOHOHO

It's finally Christmas 2010! Just spent the day with family, lazying around. Opened some presents, and slept a little bit. I always enjoy this time a year because each year, we go on living our lives day by day, giving little thought about those who mean the most. But during this holiday season, it's time to think about others and think not so much about myself. So this is thanks to the people in my life. Thanks for listening to me complain. Thanks for giving me good advice. And, thanks for being there when I need you. So I do wish all your Christmas wishes come true and that you have a wonderful, and exciting new year because you all deserve it.

- Anita <3

Christmas....

Long time no post. What else is new?

The holiday season is upon us and the 25th is coming nearer and nearer. It's the season of giving, and time to spend with family and friends. Every year, I imagine myself emersed in holiday festivities... baking some delicious goodies, having a grown-up dinner party, watching a Christmas holiday movie marathon, the list goes on. And each year as the holiday season comes and go, I always realize I don't have enough time to do all of it. No matter how much planning is done or how much I want it to happen. But hey, there's next year.

With the holidays, comes the new year. Another chance to make a new start. A chance to learn from the past. To make a concious effort to make this year better. New year's resolutions are always meant to be broken, but I'm going to make an effort to follow through.

Some New Year's resolutions...

• To live a healthier lifestyle
  1. Go to the gym at least 3 times a week (cardio and weights)
  2. Eat more veggies!!
  
• To save more moolah
  3. Save 70% of my paycheck --> write down my spending!
• To think positive

These should actually be life guidelines, but better now then never. Alright, first checkpoint... Feb 1, 2010.

Just The Way You Are

Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day

Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so, sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look ok, I say

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are (yeah)

Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she let me
Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day

Oh, you know, you know, you know, I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same
So, don't even bother asking if you look ok
You know I'll say

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are
The way you are, the way you are
Girl you're amazing, just the way you are

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while

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Haven't posted in a while. My bad. Life is pretty much the same. Work. TV. Sleep. That's about it.

Most girls have body image issues. I remember I began to worry about the way I looked since I was 12. I was pretty skinny when I was 12. Then came 9th grade and I put on probably around 20 pounds. And as I grew, my body has been about the same. I wasn't the skinny one anymore. I've tried the silliest diets and never kept a exercise regimen for longer than 2 weeks. That part got better, when 2 weeks turned into about 3 months, but never past that. Then any weight lost, I would gain in a matter of 2 weeks. I would try to start over again.

I've always had the mindset that boys only like skinny girls. I'd always want to be skinny, therefore liked. Skinny equaled pretty.

Today I was in the shower and it dawned on me that I'm beginning accept my body. Yeah, its more jell0-y in some places, and there's more stretch marks on certain places than I would like. But, every part is me. I can be grateful that I'm healthy and alive, than stress about eating an extra cookie (they're delicious!). I'll never have that perfect body but I can take care of the one I have. I'm too old to worry about this shit.

Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)

Baby, oh

Even in my heart I see
You're not bein' true to me
Deep within my soul I feel
Nothing's like it used to be
Sometimes I wish I could turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad baby
Quit play's games with my heart

Quit playin' games with my heart (with my heart)
Before you tear us apart (my heart)
Quit playin' games with my heart
I should've known from the start
You know you've gotta stop (from my heart)
You're tearin' us apart (my heart, my heart)
Quit playin' games with my heart

I live my life the way
To keep you comin' back to me
Everything I do is for you
So what is it that you can't see
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time, impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad, baby
You better quit playin' games with my heart

Quit playin' games
Baby, baby the love that we had was so strong
Don't leave me hangin' here forever
Oh baby, baby this is not alright, let's stop this tonight

Baby, oh
Quit playin' games
Na na na na na na
Na na na na na baby
Na na na na na
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time, impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could so bad, baby
Quit playin' games with my heart

Quit playin' games with my heart
Na na na na na na
Na na na na na baby
Na na na na na

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Why can't you find me already?

Speak Now

I am not the kind of girl
Who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion
But you are not the kind of boy
Who should be marrying the wrong girl

I sneak in and see your friends, and her snotty little family
All dressed in pastel
And she is yelling at a bridesmaid, somewhere back inside a room
Wearing a gown shaped like a pastry

This is surely not what you thought it would be
I lose myself in a daydream where I stand and say

Don’t say yes, run away now
I’ll meet you when you’re out of the church at the backdoor
Don’t wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out and they said speak now

Fun gestures are exchanged
And the organ starts to play a song that sounds like a death march
And I am hiding in the curtains
It seems that I was uninvited by your lovely bride-to-be

She floats down the aisle like a pageant queen
But I know you wish she was me, you wish she was me
Don’t you?

Don’t say yes, run away now
I’ll meet you when you’re out of the church at the backdoor
Don’t wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out and they said speak now

Don’t say yes, run away now
I’ll meet you when you’re out of the church at the backdoor
Don’t wait or say a single vow
Your time is running out and they said speak now

I hear the preacher say speak now or forever hold your peace
There’s the silence, there’s my last chance
I stand up with shaking hands, all eyes on me
Horrified looks from everyone in the room
But I’m only looking at you

I am not the kind of girl
Who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion
But you are not the kind of boy
Who should be marrying the wrong girl

So don’t say yes, run away now
I’ll meet you when you’re out of the church at the backdoor
Don’t wait or say a single vow
You need to hear me out and they said speak now

And you say lets run away now
I’ll meet when I’m out of my tux at the backdoor
Baby I didn’t say my vows, so glad you were around
When they said ‘Speak now’

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I'm always the one afraid of change. No matter how much I want to embrace it, it makes me feel very uneasy. I'm starting to work full-time at my job as a manager, and I can feel the responsibility! Every time I think of work, I get this weird feeling I used to get in school... like right before a presentation, or a client meeting, or getting my grades handed back to me. Nervous and anxious. But typically when it's over, I'm glad to have done it and that it's over with. I think I feel a little nervous because there are technical things that I still need to learn. And I think that I just need a little more practice. Either way, I'm glad I'm getting experience, and that there is change in my life! I know it's not what I want to do for the rest of my life, but it's good for now when I'm trying to figure things out. On a positive note, I get more stability. Anyone who knows me knows I love routine... and with working 40 hours a week, I can plan accordingly. And I'm kinda glad that I'll be working more because that means less time at home... which I would spend watching movies or streaming television shows, despite how much I love it! I'm such a homebody like no other. Occasionally, I feel the need for some sort of social interaction. But most of the time, I like being at home. Where I'm most comfortable, and there is no need to impress anyone! Hahah. But then I will never meet a guy! Now, that's serious...

Mama's Song

Mama, you taught me to do the right things.
So, now you have to let your baby fly.
You've given me everything that I will need.
To make it through this crazy thing called life.
And I know you watched me grow up,
and only want what's best for me.
And I think I found the answer to your prayers.

And he is good, so good.
He treats your little girl,
like a real man should.
He is good, SO good.
He makes promises he keeps.
No, he's never gonna leave.
So, don't you worry about me.
Don't you worry about me.

Mama, there's no way you'll ever lose me.
Giving me away is not goodbye.
As you watch me walk down to my future,
I hope tears of joy are in your eyes.

Cause, he is good, so good.
And, he treats your little girl,
like a real man should.
He is good, SO good.
He makes promises he keeps.
No, he's never gonna leave.
So, don't you worry about me.
Don't you worry about me.

And when I watch my baby grow up,
I'll only want what's best for her.
And I hope she'll find,
the answer to my prayers.
And that she'll say...

He is good, so good.
And he treats your little girl,
like a real man should.
He is good, SO good.
He makes promises he keeps.
No, he's never gonna leave.
So, don't you worry about me.
Don't you worry about me.

Mama, don't you worry about me.
Don't you worry about me.

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At 22, it's not hard to believe that you're young, healthy, and strong. Nothing could hurt you. However, recent events have definitely put things into perspective. First, with my best friend who was in the hospital for a week, not too long ago. Only when someone's health and life are in danger, is when we realize how precious life is, and to not take things for granted. To tell those who matter, that you care and love them. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable for just one moment.

Just a day ago, I was in my bathroom. Feeling lightheaded, I placed both my hands on the sink counter to brace myself. I remember closing my eyes and saying to myself, "It's ok, you just need to lay down". Feeling like I was ok to start moving, I unlocked the door handle and opened the door. As I took a step, I felt a rush of lightheadness and my legs gave out. I had felt my head hit the tile and vibration was sent throughout my entire body. I then opened my eyes and heard my mom rush out of her room to find me laying in the bathroom.

I felt like an idiot. Couldn't even control my own body. Embarrassed. My mom then guided me to her bedroom and told me to lay in her bed until I felt better. She kept saying how scared she was because I had blacked out once before, and that out of my brother and sister, she always worried about me.

At 22, I was in my mother's arms and nothing in the world mattered. I was her baby. I was the most vulnerable I have been in quite some time. I was not invincible. Sometimes in life, we get little reminders of what matters. It's easy to focus on where's your life headed, what job you need, or how much you need to save. But once in a while, we need to cherish how good we have it. To have a family that loves you no matter what. To have friends who care for you so much. To have love in your life.

I Just Can't Live A Lie

Lately nothing I do ever seems to please you
And maybe turning my back would be that much easier
Cause hurtful words are all that we exchange
But I can't watch you walk away

Can I forget about the way it feels to touch you?
And all about the good times that we've been through
Could I wake up without you every day?
Would I let you walk away?

No, I can't learn to live without
And I can't give up on us now

Oh, I know I could say we're through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie

Could I forget the look that tells me that you want me?
And all the reasons that make loving you so easy
The kiss that always makes it hard to breathe
The way you know just what I mean

No, I can't learn to live without
Ohh, so don't you give up on us now

Ohh, I know I could say we're through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie

Ohh, and I don't wanna try

Ohhhh, I know I could say we're through
And tell myself I'm over you
But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie

I just can't live a lie

But even if I made a vow
I promise not to miss you now
And try to hide the truth inside
I'd fail cause I, I just can't live a lie

Oh, I cant live a lie

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Carrie Underwood!

On Wednesday, my brother, sister, and I went to go see Carrie Underwood. She's my sister's favourite artist and she treated my brother and me to the day. Some days, my sister can really get under my skin and piss me off to no end. But that day, we were all just excited to do something together and do what people call "bonding". Haha. It was a rare moment that we all set aside time in our schedules to spend together. Kinda weird, but definitely nice. We had a country-filled day by eating at Lonestar Texas Grill on Front Street. It was crazy because every restaurant on Front Street was playing Carrie Underwood music. Then we headed to the ACC. We sat unbelievably close to the stage (Row 13!!). She was amazing as always and had a wonderful show.

Something More

I lie awake again, my bodies feeling paralysed
I can’t remember when
I didn’t live through this disguise
The words you said to me
They couldn’t set me free

I'm stuck here in this life i didn’t ask for
There must be something more,
Do we know what we’re fighting for?

Breathe in breathe out

And all these masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store

Breathe in breathe out

The storm is rolling in
The thunders loud it hurts my ears

I'm paying for my sins
And its gunna rain for years and years

I fooled everyone and now what will i become?
I have to start this over
I have to start this over

There must be something more,
Do we know what we’re fighting for?

Breathe in breathe out

And all these masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store

Breathe in breathe out

I fooled everyone and now what will i become?
I have to start this over
I have to start this over
There must be something more,
Do we know what we’re fighting for?

Breathe in breathe out

And all these masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store

Breathe in breathe out
There must be something more
Breathe in breathe out
There must be something more

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Breathe in. Breathe out.

Sometimes I wonder how I ended up here. In this particular point in my life. In hindsight, can I pinpoint the moment in my life so far, that could drastically change what is my life right now? If I had listened to my heart? Or if I had asked for help instead of trying to figure it out for myself? If I was willing to be a little less stubborn? If I should've spoken up instead of ignoring something? It's ridiculous to even think that if I had the opportunity to change something in my life, that it would drastically change my life today. As I'm wondering this now, I'd be very careful with future decisions. Potentially overthinking the most minute things. And taking less risks. Not living life. Oh the paradoxes in life.

Don't Let Me Down

Fork in the road,
Looking both ways, I,
Don't know which way to go.
What do I count on?
Is it the road less traveled?
Or the one I already know?

And no I'm not traveling alone.
I got my heart in my hand, And,
You can bet I'm holding it close.

Don't wanna climb,
Don't wanna fall,
Don't know where to start it all.
I can start by taking it slow.

First I need a, hero,
I got a, mirror,
Looking inside of my soul.
If I need a, hero,
I got my, mirror,
Gotta go on with the show.

I got my ear to the ground;
That's the sound of my train comin' 'round.
This is a chance for us to be heard loud.
It's you and me,
And it's our time now.
Don't let me down.

Don't let me down,
Don't let me down now,
Don't let me down,
Don't let me down now.

People!
This is what you're living your life for.
Fighter,
That's your name ([Justin Timberlake:] That's your name)

Trying to hide but it's obvious you're a survivor.
Believer,
Don't let the travel in the road -
That look in your eyes,
Puts fire in the heart of the cold (world).
Got a marathon to try again,
I'm not even tryin' to win.
I'm just glad I'm not alone.

First I need a, hero,
I got a, mirror,
Looking inside of my soul.
If I need a, hero,
I get my, mirror,
Gotta go on with the show.

I got my ear to the ground;
That's the sound of my train comin' 'round.
This is a chance for us to be heard loud.
It's you and me,
And it's our time now.
Don't let me down.

Don't you let me down,
Promise you won't let me down.
Don't you let me down,
Promise you won't let me down.

You've been running so alone.
I see you (I see you).
You told me we could change the world.
And I believe it's true.

There's nothing now to hold us down.
I found,
My pains,
And the sound of your heart led the way.

I got my ear to the ground;
That's the sound of my train comin' 'round. (comin' round)
This is a chance for us to be heard loud.
It's you and me,
And it's our time now.
Don't let me down!

Don't you let me down, (Don't let me down)
Promise you won't let me down (Don't let me down now)
Don't let me down, (Don't let me down now)
Promise you won't let me down, (Don't let me down now)

Don't let me down,
Don't let me down now,
Don't let me down,
Don't let me down now.

------------------------

I find myself living a day at a time, passing the time and achieving nothing. What do I want to do with my life? What do I want to achieve? What makes me happy? I can't hide behind walls anymore and have to look at this head on. Or life will pass me by with nothing to show for. I just need a couple days to ponder this so called life. Even when I was little, when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up, each year I had a different answer. Teacher, accountant, psychologist, nutritionist, interior designer, physical therapist, personal trainer... yes, some are hard to believe. But years later, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Some people know, from a very young age, what they want to be. Me? 22 and I still can't figure it out. I don't know what I love. I'm trying to imagine myself 10 years from now, and nothing comes to mind.

Alive

I breathe, I hear
But I don't believe it
My heart, it beats
But inside I'm freezing
My hands shake
They've lost all their feeling
No air to take
You say that you're leaving
And there's no turning back this time
Gotta stay alive

Where do I go when I'm so alone?
Where do I turn when we were so close?
We try not to crash but we still collide
Tears I've cried, I'll survive
I'm alive

I'm stripped, I'm bare
I'm left here with nothing
I hold the wheel
Don't know where I'm going
Your face, I see, in every reflection
No time, no space
I've lost all direction
And there's no turning back this time
Gotta stay alive

I'm gonna get there someway
Through all the tears and the rain
And any road I can take
Just to get me some place
Where all the scars on my heart
And all the lies in the dark
Disappear in my headlights
So bright, tonight
Gonna drive them away

I'm alive

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Whoa. Haven't been on this in a while. But I have nothing else going on in life. This will be my official statement that I will start blogging again. Not that I'm not bombarding everyone online already with twitter and facebook.. Oh well. It's kinda sad that my life hasn't changed much in two years. The only difference is now that I have a Bachelor's Degree and not stressing about school. But I am still finding myself kind of lost in the career department... how wonderful. Anyways, more later.

I Got You

A place to crash
I got you
No need to ask
I got you
Just get on the phone
I got you
Come and pick you up if I have to
What's weird about it
Is we're right at the end
And mad about it
Just figured it out in my head
I'm proud to say
I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye
I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you
I got you

Ain't falling a part, or bitter
Let's be bigger than that and remember
The cooling outdoor when you're all alone
We'll go on surviving
No drama, no need for a show
Just wanna say
I got you

Go ahead and say goodbye
I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you
Go ahead and say goodbye (go ahead)
I'll be alright (say goodbye)
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you

'Cause this is love and life
And nothing we can both control
And if it don't feel right
You're not losing me by letting me know

Go ahead and say goodbye (say goodbye)
I'll be alright
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you
Go ahead and say goodbye (go ahead)
I'll be alright (say goodbye)
Go ahead and make me cry
I'll be alright
And when you need a place to run to
For better for worse
I got you

A place to crash
I got you
No need to ask
I got you

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Guys always say what you want to hear until they get what they want.