Just The Way You Are

Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day

Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won't believe me
And it's so, it's so, sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look ok, I say

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are (yeah)

Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she let me
Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it's so sexy
She's so beautiful, and I tell her every day

Oh, you know, you know, you know, I'd never ask you to change
If perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same
So, don't even bother asking if you look ok
You know I'll say

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you're amazing, just the way you are
The way you are, the way you are
Girl you're amazing, just the way you are

When I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while

---------------------

Haven't posted in a while. My bad. Life is pretty much the same. Work. TV. Sleep. That's about it.

Most girls have body image issues. I remember I began to worry about the way I looked since I was 12. I was pretty skinny when I was 12. Then came 9th grade and I put on probably around 20 pounds. And as I grew, my body has been about the same. I wasn't the skinny one anymore. I've tried the silliest diets and never kept a exercise regimen for longer than 2 weeks. That part got better, when 2 weeks turned into about 3 months, but never past that. Then any weight lost, I would gain in a matter of 2 weeks. I would try to start over again.

I've always had the mindset that boys only like skinny girls. I'd always want to be skinny, therefore liked. Skinny equaled pretty.

Today I was in the shower and it dawned on me that I'm beginning accept my body. Yeah, its more jell0-y in some places, and there's more stretch marks on certain places than I would like. But, every part is me. I can be grateful that I'm healthy and alive, than stress about eating an extra cookie (they're delicious!). I'll never have that perfect body but I can take care of the one I have. I'm too old to worry about this shit.

It's Alright, It's OK

You told me
There's no need
To talk it out
Cause its too late
To proceed
And slowly
I took your words

No looking back
I wont regret, no
I will find my way
I'm broken
But still I have to say

It's Alright, OK
I'm so much better without you
I won't be sorry
Alright, OK
So don't you bother what I do
No matter what you say
I wont return
Our bridge has burned down
I'm stronger now
Alright, OK
I'm so much better without you
I won't be sorry

You played me
Betrayed me
Your love was nothing but a game
Portrait a role
You took control, I
I couldn't help but fall
So deep
But now I see things clear

It's Alright, OK
I'm so much better without you
I won't be sorry
Alright, OK
So don't you bother what I do
No matter what you say
I wont return
Our bridge has burned down
I'm stronger now
Alright, OK
I'm so much better without you
I won't be sorry

Don't waist you fiction tears on me
Just save them for someone in need
It's Way to late
I'm closing the door

It's Alright, OK
I'm so much better without you
I won't be sorry
Alright, OK
So don't you bother what I do
No matter what you say
I wont return
Our bridge has burned down
I'm stronger now
Alright, OK
I'm so much better without you
I won't be sorry

It's Alright, OK
Alright, OK
Without you
No matter what you say
It's Alright, OK
Alright, OK
Without you
I won't be sorry

-------------------------

When I find myself in a hole, I consciously keep myself there. I isolate myself completely from those close to me. I think I just need time to gather my thoughts and to seriously think things over. Being close to other people, talking to people close to me, somehow makes things worse off. I don't like talking things over. Cutting people off avoids the need for me to put on a fake smile. Self-sabotage? Most likely. But necessary.

I hate myself for changing, only for a moment, and becoming someone I am not proud of. I hate myself for thinking that I am different than my family, for throwing away my values. I hate the fact that I never listen and how I think I know best. I look back at hopeful 16 year old I once was, full of hope and aspirations, and wish I could tell myself that it's not real. I get what I deserve in life. I don't deserve anything more.

On Fire

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When he's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When you're near me
I'm on fire
When you speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And I've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I'm on fire
When you're near me
I'm on fire
When you speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery

--------------------

I said I wouldn't be sorry for my imperfections, but I am. I hate my fucking external locus of control. I have to be better.

When I Grow Up

Boys call you sexy (What's up, sexy)
And you don't care what they say
See, every time you turn around
They scream your name

Now I've got a confession
When I was young I wanted attention
And I promised myself that I’d do anything
Anything at all for them to notice me

But I ain't complaining
We all wanna be famous
So go ahead and say what you wanna say
You know what it's like to be nameless
Want them to know what your name is
'Cause see when I was younger I would say

When I grow up
I wanna be famous
I wanna be a star
I wanna be in movies
When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have groupies
When I grow up
Be on TV
People know me
Be on magazines
When I grow up
Fresh and clean
Number one chick when I step out on the scene

Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it
You just might get it
You just might get it

Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it
You just might get it
You just might get it

They used to tell me I was silly
Until I popped up on the TV
I always wanted to be a superstar
And knew that singing songs would get me this far

But I ain't complaining
We all wanna be famous
So go ahead and say what you wanna say
You know what it's like to be nameless
Want them to know what your name is
'Cause see when I was younger I would say

When I grow up
I wanna be famous
I wanna be a star
I wanna be in movies
When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have groupies
When I grow up
Be on TV
People know me
Be on magazines
When I grow up
Fresh and clean
Number one chick when I step out on the scene

Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it
You just might get it
You just might get it

Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it
You just might get it
You just might get it

I see them staring at me
Oh I'm a trendsetter
Yes this is true 'cause what I do, no one can do it better
You can talk about me
'Cause I'm a hot topic
I see you watching me, watching me, and I know you want it

When I grow up
I wanna be famous
I wanna be a star
I wanna be in movies
When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have groupies
When I grow up
Be on TV
People know me
Be on magazines
When I grow up
Fresh and clean
Number one chick when I step out on the scene

Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it
You just might get it
You just might get it

Be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it
You just might get it
You just might get it


------------------------

Try and try again. Oh my. Can't help but laugh.

Lately, I'm slowly realizing that I put way too much pressure on myself to look a certain way. Well, girls in general do. I know that if I did squats everyday, I'd have a smackable ass, or if I did 1000 crunches a day, I wouldn't have love handles. But would it make a difference in the end? Not really. Half the reason is to look awesome for me is to feel good, and the other half is to be seen as "good" by others, especially in the opposite sex. But, if I feel good already, would it matter? It shouldn't matter what other people think. I think I've said this before, and I probably tend to go back and forth on this subject, but for right now, I feel that you should feel good about the body you are in, be proud to be in your skin. No one else has the right to tell you otherwise. After conversations and past encounters, nobody really cares about the way you look. In other words, no one sees those stretch marks on your hips, or the fact that your thighs touch. You are the only one who puts yourself under a microscope and overanalyzes every single detail.

Don't be sorry for all your imperfections.

Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off

Is it still me that makes you sweat?
Am I who you think about in bed?
When the lights are dim and your hands are shaking as you're sliding off your dress?
Then think of what you did
And how I hope to God he was worth it.
When the lights are dim and your heart is racing as your fingers touch his skin.
I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?
No, no, no, you know it will always just be me

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

So I guess we're back to us, oh cameraman, swing the focus
In case I lost my train of thought, where was it that we last left off?
(Let's pick up, pick up)

Oh now I do recall, we were just getting to the part
Where the shock sets in, and the stomach acid finds a new way to make you get sick.
I hope you didn't expect that you'd get all of the attention.
Now let's not get selfish
Did you really think I’d let you kill this chorus?

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

Dance to this beat
Dance to this beat
Dance to this beat

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster

I've got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you'll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving of
Exchanging body heat in the passenger seat?
No, no, no, you know it will always just be me

Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls,
Will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close?

So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Dance to this beat
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Dance to this beat
And hold a lover close
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster, faster
Let's get these teen hearts beating. Faster

----------------------

Resurface.

Cold Water

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

Love one's daughter
Allow me that
And I can't let go of your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?
Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I've got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Or am I lost?

--------------------------

I find myself typing in text and always deleting. I hide behind my own thoughts while hiding behind a screen. I hate the fact that I always have to think twice about what I say. I hate that I have to proofread whatever I write before pressing 'send' or 'publish'. I wanna put this edit button on hold just for a couple days, but I can't.

The very thing that I yearn for is the root of pain. The slightest drop, I can already feel a pin prick. Am I subconsciously putting on my own defense mechanism in place by walking away? By believing it's not in my cards? By being so conceited? Maybe I'm just waiting. Maybe I'm testing who can break down my walls and actually find me. No one has so far. It's not written in the stars as much as I liked to believe.

What am I to you? The person who wakes you up in the morning when you can't do it yourself? The one who you can talk to and suddenly feel relieved? The person who you always say 'hi' to when you get a chance? The person who only wants the best for you? The person who talks behind your back? The one who breaks promises? The person who tells lies, but you give me the benefit of the doubt? The one who takes everything you do for granted? The one who never apologizes? The person who you would rather not exist?

I've gotten everything I deserved in my life.

Don't Let Me Stop You

I used to be a little bit shy
I kept my deepest feelings inside
Speaking up to you about my
Emotions has always been hard
But this just can't wait
Tonight I feel a little but brave
So I won't let one more day pass without you explaining what we are

This is gonna sound kind of silly
But I couldn't help but notice
The last time you kissed me
You kept both eyes open
Baby can you tell me what does that mean
If you're looking over your shoulder
Then you don't need to be with me
And I don't need to hold on

Don't let me stop you
From doing what you want to do
You don't want to stick, trust me it's cool
Take no chance get over you
Don't let me stop you
If you wanna leave baby you can leave
Just don't pretend that you're into me
If it ain't true
No, don't let me stop you

A lot of things I can take
Got a high threshold for pain
But let's get one thing straight
I'm not down to share you with anyone
If that's not what you're looking for
Nice knowing you but there's the door
'Cause I know that I could find someone
Who'll give me what I want

This is gonna sound kind of silly
If you're looking over your shoulder
Then you don't need to be with me
And I don't need to hold on

Don't let me stop you
From doing what you want to do
You don't want to stick, trust me it's cool
Take no chance get over you
Don't let me stop you
If you wanna leave baby you can leave
Just don't pretend that you're into me
If it ain't true
No, don't let me stop you

Even if I end up broken hearted
I won't lie, I don't wanna hear your goodbye
But either way I'll be alright

Don't let me stop you
From doing what you want to do
You don't want to stick, trust me it's cool
Take no chance get over you
Don't let me stop you
If you wanna leave baby you can leave
Just don't pretend that you're into me
If it ain't true
No, don't let me stop you

------------------------

When my heart hurts, I can't help but to turn to watch a love story. Idealism calms me.

Already Gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have work out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the tings we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know
That it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
But someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

------------------------

Last week, I've started to change my lifestyle, by becoming healthier. I've always thought of it as "I have to be skinny. I can't be this way anymore." But after only like a week, I'm starting to take a new perspective. I need to be taking care of myself better. Get physically active, eat healthier. Change my routines pretty much. Before last week, I haven't gone to the gym seriously in over 8 months. Now, after just a brief reintroduction, I immediately feel better after doing like 30 minutes of cardio. I feel like I'm doing something better for myself. Plus, I'm eating pretty healthy. Before this, I was always in bed, eating, streaming vids, then sleeping. I'd eat junk, and not care how much I just ate. Now, I think twice. I have to. "Is this really good for me? Can I live without it?" All in all, I'm doing my body a favour. Although the combination of excercise and eating less has left me super tired most of the time, I can honestly say that I'm feeling better. The guilt being physically inactive and eating like a madwoman is actually disappearing on me. I need to do this for no one else but me. If I continued with my lifestyle before, I'd have to come to this moment later on in life, but it'd be harder. I'm 21 now, and there's no time like the present. Live better now, to live better later, and in the end, to live longer. I can do this.

Screw summer flings. I'm not going to need anyone else's validation anymore. This summer is going to be about me.

Song To Say Goodbye

You are one of God's mistakes,
You crying, tragic waste of skin,
I'm well aware of how it aches ,
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face ,
Though I don't like you anymore,
You lying, trying waste of space..

Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those ,
Blessed with lucky sevens ,
And the voice that made me cry .
My Oh My.

You were mother nature's son ,
Someone to whom I could relate ,
Your needle and your damage done,
Remains a sordid twist of fate.
Now I'm trying to wake you up ,
To pull you from the liquid sky ,
Coz if I don't we'll both end up ,
With just your song to say goodbye.
My Oh My.

A song to say goodbye,
A song to say goodbye ,
A song to say...

Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those,
Blessed with lucky sevens,
And the voice that made me cry.

It's a song to say goodbye.

-----------------------------

I want to love myself. Honestly, I do. Why is it that when others say one thing, I think another? How can I trust what they say is the truth when people lie all the time? Like, I realize that I am not a bad person, and that I could be worse off. But I can't help wanting to change every bit of me with all my might. I know I'll never be perfect. I won't have thighs that don't touch, or ever be model thin. But, I just want to look different than I do now. I feel that if I workout hard, I can have some sort of control.

I'm superficial in a way I guess. Actually, I'm extremely superficial when it comes to myself. I think that the way I think is how others think. Skin deep and nothing more. I have a image of myself in my head and it's completely different than what I am now. I want to be this person. I know that I won't be happier, but at least I have one thing that makes me less happy. I guess that I want to give some sort of value to myself. If my life sucks, at least I'm skinny. It's horrible, but it's one less thing to complain about. I know that losing a few pounds will not make anyone like me more. I know that, but it's hard because how do I know they won't? I realize that even so, those are not the people I want surrounding me at all. But I can't help thinking this way.

I am not comfortable with myself.

When Your Mind Is Made Up

So
If you ever want something
You call, you call
And I'll come running to fight
And I'll be at your door
And there's nothing worth running for

When your mind is made up
When your mind is made up
There's no point trying to change it
When your mind is made up
When your mind is made up
There's no point trying to stop it

You see you're just like everyone
When you share your falls
All you want to do is run away
And hide all by yourself
When there's fall, there's fall
There's nothing else

When your mind is made up
When your mind is made up
There's no point trying to change it
When your mind is made up
When your mind is made up
There's no point even talkin'
When your mind is made up
When your mind is made up
There's no point trying to fight it
When your mind, your mind

There's no point trying to change it
When your


So
If you ever want something
Then you call, call
Then I'll come running

---------------------------------

It's weird to hear when a person tells you that you're hard to figure out. That it's really a mystery. When one day, you're dressed one way, and on other days, differently. It's weird when people tell you that you seem like you're a clubber, but in all reality, you're the furthest thing from it... And, when people tell you that there's more to you...

------

The past week or so I've been mad busy. On Tuesday, I pulled my first all-nighter since... the TAI campout last November. It's been quite some time. Because of scheduling conflicts and what-not, my group started out 40% paper on Tuesday at 2pm, with which it was due 6pm the next day. We had met the night before too, only got to the outline stage... then to change it again at 2pm, and at 7pm that night. Anyways, we worked in the library until 12am, the time it closes. Ryerson is retarded like that... it likes to make life more difficult with closing buildings down. Anyways, we found an empty classroom (haha how hard is that to find at 12am) and stayed there to work. Rather productive actually. There was a slump at around 5-6am. By 12pm that day, we were on our editing stages... got it printed at 4:10ish, got it bounded at around 4:40... got it shoved into a balloon at 5:15.. (yes, we got it put inside a balloon with air)... and on his desk at 5:50pm. Pretty fucking sweet I must say.

Anyways, I got home at 9pm that night after dinner and drinks with my group. We all looked like shit. No make-up, hair in disarray. All in yesterday's clothes. No one cared at all. We deserved at least one drink. We talked about how much of a douchebag our professor is, courses, big plans for the next year. Girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, boyfriends, and lack thereof. All I can really say is how much I enjoyed working with them throughout the semester and I really hope we keep in touch because I'm the only one who will still be at school.

This pretty much leads me to today's events avec le Jenicka! Bingo! Balls! Bingo, then Balls! My first Bingo experience happened today. You wouldn't believe how intense this stuff gets. Random? Dab-all? Random, then dab-all?! Anyways, we first won a one-line game, in which we shared the winnings with 11 other winners. That left us with a winning of $28... Then, "scratch" cards were bought with hopes of getting "balls", which had three numbers on it and if called, we'd win a prize. In the midst of it, we ended up with about 50 "scratch" cards and got two "ball" cards... then the game began and numbers were being called. Soon enough , Jenicka yells, "BALLS!". The prize? $200!! Crazy! Not to mention, how many close ones Jenicka got! Oh mannn. Anyways, it was a great experience, which I do recommend to all.

Ok, it's 12ish now, thus I must retire. So, I bid you adieu.

Over My Head (Cable Car)

I never knew
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a queue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
But that's disregard
Find another friend and you discard
As you lose the argument in a cable car
Hanging above as the canyon comes between

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

And suddenly I become a part of your past
I'm becoming the part that don't last
I'm losing you and its effortless
Without a sound we lose sight of the ground
In the throw around
Never thought that you wanted to bring it down
I won't let it go down till we torch it ourselves

And everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

Everyone knows
She's on your mind
Everyone knows I'm in over my head
I'm in over my head
I'm in over...

Everyone knows I'm in
Over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime
She's on your mind
She's on your mind

------------------------------

I wonder what it feels like to carry 25 pounds less every day.

The Mixed Tape

This is morning
That's when I spend the most time
Thinking 'bout what I've given up
This is a warning
When you start the day just to close the curtains
You're thinking 'bout what I've given up

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I'm writing you a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I rearrange the songs again
This mix could burn a hole in anyone
But it was you I was thinking of

I read your letter
The one you left when you broke into my house
Retracing every step you made
And you said you meant it
And there's a piece of me in every single
Second of every single day
But if it's true then tell me how it got this way

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I'm writing you a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I rearrange the songs again
This mix could burn a hole in anyone
But it was you I was thinking of

And I can't get to you
I can't get to you
I can't get to you (you, you)

Where are you now?
As I'm swimming through the stereo
I conduct a symphony of sound
Where are you now?
As I'm cutting through you track by track
I swear to God this mix could sink the sun
But it was you I was thinking of

And where are you now?
And where are you now?

And this is my mixed tape for her
It's like I wrote every note
With my own fingers

--------------------------------

Today is the first time I called in sick for work... well, at this job. What did I do today? I slept, ate, and slept some more. I tried to study, but failed miserably. I read about five pages. But in those five pages, I've learned about anxiety disorders, phobias, and OCD. One thing that I've learned is how I think I have a very very minor sort of social phobia. Let me provide you with some evidence...

"[Social phobia is the] excessive fear of engaging in behaviours that involve public scrutiny... Underlining social phobia is an excessive fear of negative evaluations from others... people with social phobia often worry about their social presentation, and are frightened of doing or saying something humiliating or embarrassing... people with social phobia tend to see themselves as not being good as others... tend to be severely critical of their social skills and become absorbed in evaluating their own performance when interacting with others. Social phobia is apparently more common among women than men. [People with social phobia] may eat lunch at their desks to avoid socializating with co-workers. Or they may find themselves in social situations and attempt a quick escape at the first sign of anxiety... People with social phobia often turn to tranquilizers or try to "medicate" themselves with alcohol when preparing for social interactions. The roots of social phobia may begin in childhood. People with social phobia typically report they were shy as children" (Nevid et al, 2006, p.183-184).

-- Nevid, J.S., Greene, B., Johnson, P.A., & Taylor, S. (2009). Essentials of abnormal psychology in a changing world. Upper Saddle River: Pearson Education, Inc. (Yes, I sourced in my blog xD)

Ok, in order to be classified as a person with social phobia, it has to significantly impact my life, in which it doesn't. I will not enter a room when people are already seated. I try to avoid parties when there's a lot of people. I try to avoid presenting in front of others. I am always concerned about my social presence. When things get awkward, I usually walk away. I was definitely a shy kid. I tend to consume more alcohol to make me feel less awkward. And, I have to sometimes practice conversations when addressing authority. And there you have it. A glimpse of how socially awkward Anita is.

Alright, it's gotten to about 1am now. I hope that tomorrow, I will feel better. Hopefully, not call in sick. Although, I am quite tempted... Anyways, I'm off. Goodnight.

Change

And it’s a sad picture, the final blow hits you
Somebody else gets what you wanted again and
You know it’s all the same, another time and place
Repeating history and you’re getting sick of it
But I believe in whatever you do
And I’ll do anything to see it through

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
This revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
And we’ll sing hallelujah, we’ll sing hallelujah

So we’ve been outnumbered
Raided and now cornered
It’s hard to fight when the fight ain’t fair
We’re getting stronger now
Find things they never found
They might be bigger
But we’re faster and never scared
You can walk away, say we don’t need this
But there’s something in your eyes
Says we can beat this

Because these things will change
Can you feel it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
This revolution, the time will come
For us to finally win
And we’ll sing hallelujah, well sing hallelujah

Tonight we stand, get off our knees
Fight for what we’ve worked for all these years
And the battle was long, it’s the fight of our lives
But we’ll stand up champions tonight

It was the night things changed
Can you see it now?
These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down
It’s a revolution, throw your hands up
Cause we never gave in
And we sang hallelujah, we sang hallelujah
Hallelujah

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Ah, my life has gotten slightly more complicated. Money issues are killing me again. A while back, Jenicka and I made plans to go to New Jersey for a concert festival aka Bamboozle. Since recent events, aka my surgery, plans are slowly fading. I'm trying to do as much as I can to stop it. "Pants, give me a miracle!"

On another note, I have become a person I did not want to become. A texter. Oh man. The urge to reply to text messages at 4:30 in the morning, the obligation to return messages via Facebook Mobile. Don't get me wrong, it makes me feel slightly more connected. But is it way too much? Damn it, unlimited texting!

PS. I hope you are enjoying the sweet sounds of Taylor Swift.

One Sweet Day

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it's too late to hold you
'Cause you've flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
Together
One sweet day
Eventually I'll see you in heaven

Darling, I never showed you
Assumed you'd always be there
I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day
Eventually I'll see you in heaven
Although the sun will never shine the same
I'll always look to a brighter day
Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we've lost along the way
And I know eventually we'll be together
One sweet day

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Here's a nice tune for today's special date.

At the moment:
I'm waiting til 12:30 rolls around then I can take my medication. I have had less than 400 calories for almost 2 days. I am sleep deprived. I feel so weak now that it's getting to be not so cool.

Tomorrow's a new day.

Numb

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

-----------------------------------

I can't deal with this shit anymore. I can't picture my life 4 years from now, the way that I used to be able to. I hate the way I fear something will go wrong all the time. I hate the way that leads me to choices that will stab my heart a little further.

Hey Stephen

Hey Stephen, I know looks can be deceiving but I know I saw a light in you
As we walked we were talking and I didn't say half the things I wanted to
Of all the girls tossing rocks at your window
Ill be the one waiting there even when it's cold
Hey Stephen, boy you might have me believing I don't always have to be alone.

Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help I if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else
I can't help myself

Hey Stephen, I've been holding back this feeling
So I've got some things to say to you
I seen it all so I thought but I never seen nobody shine the way you do
The way you walk, the way you talk, the way you say my name
It's beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change
Hey Stephen, why are people always leaving
I think you and I should stay the same

Cause I can't help it if you look like an angel
Can't help I if I wanna kiss you in the rain so
Come feel this magic I've been feeling since I met you
Can't help it if there's no one else
I can't help myself

They're dimming the street lights
You're perfect for me why aren't you here tonight?
I'm waiting alone now so come on and come out and pull me near
Shine, shine, shine

Hey Stephen I could give you fifty reasons why I should be the one you choose
All those other girls, well they're beautiful but would they write a song for you

Hey Stephen, I've been holding back this feeling
So I've got some things to say to you
I seen it all so I thought but I never seen nobody shine the way you do
The way you walk, the way you talk, the way you say my name
It's beautiful, wonderful, don't you ever change
Hey Stephen, why are people always leaving
I think you and I should stay the same

Myself, can't help myself
I can't help myself.

---------------------------

Breathe.

Innocent and Sweet

The things I said were never meant to get around
And the trends I started were never meant to make a sound

I'm calling to angels in hope
Still falling through the unknown
I'll keep my pride tonight
I fought for what was right
Please remember me as innocent and sweet

I tried to get them to open up their minds
To worry about love and never about time
And maybe they'll listen and after I'm gone
And I'll keep my reason
Sealed tight in this song

I'm calling to angels in hope
Still falling through the unknown
I'll keep my pride tonight
I fought for what was right
Please remember me as innocent and...

I'm calling to angels in hope
Still falling through the unknown
I'll keep my pride tonight
I fought for what was right
Please remember me as innocent and sweet

---------------------------------

Why is it that everyone is focused on appearances? Who tells us what is beautiful and what isn't? Who decides this fine line? Who tells us that we should feel uncomfortable when we're not 105 lbs? Who decided that being 105 lbs will make us happy? Why are we so convinced that it will? Why do our thighs have to not touch, our stomachs have to be flat, and our arms not be flabby? Who are we trying to satisfy? Others? Ourselves? Why would we kill to be a certain way? I'm still breathing. What else is there?

That's What You Get

No sir, well I don't wanna be the blame, not anymore.
It's your turn, so take a seat we're settling the final score.
And why do we like to hurt so much?

I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why, all the possibilities where I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating (beating)
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

Pain make your way to me, to me.
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight,
This heart will start a riot in me,
Let's start, start, hey!

Why do we like to hurt so much?
Oh why do we like to hurt so much?

That's what you get when you let your heart win!
Whoa.

That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

Now I can't trust myself with anything but this,
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa.

-----------------------------

Where perfect communication doesn't exist, chaos does. Well, not chaos per-se, but it makes things way too difficult than it needs to be.

Trying to keep my life in balance, all I can do is try to use my time wisely. But I find it too easy to fall back to a routine that contradicts what I want to be.

Love.

The Way Out Is Broken

Holding on tightly never worked for me
Show me where the door is cause I'm failing to see
Take your feet out watching you bleed out
I'm the worst at knowing when my curtains been called

On my way out of the dreams I've made
I'm on my way, I'm seeing I was always destined to be

Predictable and alone
Predictable and alone for the long run
You should be thankful that I'm getting on a train
that's heading straight out of your life again

Maybe I'm the champion of being alone

Saving your last glance, burning our last chance
Nothing's gonna stop what was always meant to be

On my way out of the dreams I've made
I'm on my way, I'm seeing I was always destined to be

Predictable and alone
Predictable and alone for the long run
You should be thankful that I'm getting on a train
that's heading straight out of your life again

You can't stop the earth
from spinning under your toes
You can't soak up the sea, just like
you can't stop what you are destined to be

Predictable and alone (for the long run)
Predictable and alone for the long run
You should be thankful that I'm getting on a train
that's heading straight out of your life again
Predictable and alone
Predictable and alone for the long run
You should be thankful that I'm getting on a train
that's heading straight out of your life again
You should be thankful that I'm getting on a train
that's heading straight out of your life again

---------------------------------

Where were you when I needed you most? I hate how you'll never come back. How you can't come back. Why did you leave me when I had no one else? You showed me how to leave.

Brighter

So this is how it goes
Well I, I would have never known
And if it ends today
Well I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's yours and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

Well this is not your fault
But if I'm without you
Then I will feel so small
And if you have to go
Well always know that you shine brighter than anyone does.

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's yours and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

If you run away now,
Will you come back around?
And if you ran away,
I'd still wave goodbye
Watching you shine bright.

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's yours and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

I'll wave goodbye (You shine bright)
Watching you shine bright (You shine bright)
I'll wave goodbye tonight (You shine bright)

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I'm trying not to pretend anymore. I'm trying to be a better person. To put me second. Over the years, I have become a selfish person who wants everything and gives nothing. When things don't go as planned, I take it out on everyone else. I say, "Fuck you, I don't need you." But the truth is, I do. I need people who are there for me, but am I giving any reason for them to be there? No, I don't think so. So now, I'm trying to give you a reason. Believe me when I say that I am sorry for every horrible thing I've said, done, or insinuated. I'm sorry for giving you a reason to doubt me, a reason to say, "Fuck you." I'm going to be around for a while, and I'm just wondering if you will be too?